One of the most important and powerful benefits of Christian meditation is an ever-deepening trust in God – trust that not only feels, but is, weightier, more anchored, broader and richer.

When I beagn this practice, making it part of my daily routine was an act of faith.  At that time I worked 70-80 hour weeks.  I never caught up and my list of obligations seemed to multiply.  From a purely physical standpoint, I could not add one more thing to my day.

Though I knew spending time in silence with God was important, I fought years of internal messages that said it was a waste of time.  It felt selfish – perhaps even sinful, to be spending time meditating on God when I could be working for Him.   I remember one evening in particular when God’s grace and encouragement were evident.   In the midst of confusion and demands for my time and attention, I determined to be with God in silence for ten minutes.  Sitting to focus, I sensed God’s Spirit directing me to put a blanket on the floor and lay in His presence.  Through the floor I heard converstation and television noises, yet God’s presence enveloped me.  Unable to stay awake, I moved in and out of consciousness.  When the alarm signaled that my time was up, though I hadn’t been awake the entire time to know precisely all that God’s Spirit did in me, I knew He had accomplished His purpose in our time together.   My lesson in trust that evening?  Time spent with God is less about my ability to do everything exactly right, and more about His ability to accomplish His purpose in my life.

As I continued scheduling regular times of meditation, my next lesson in trust was related to God’s intentions for me.  I remember the day of my first lesson.  It was the week before Christmas, and I had more to do than minutes in the day.  That morning I sensed God asking me to spend more time with Him than was my habit.  The verse came to me: “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”  (Matthew 6:33)  I questioned God’s wisdom.  If I spent more time with Him and was unable to fit everything into my day, people who depended on me would be disappointed.  As I continued to listen however, I became certain of His request.  I decided that obedience was my responsibility, and that God could be trusted with the remainder of my day.  Setting the alarm for the allotted time, I fully enjoyed God’s presence.  It was as if He was smiling.

Later that day going to a store in the mall, the salesman who greeted me was a former student who helped me find everything I needed in less than half the time I expected to spend.  Happily leaving the store and needing to drive to another store, I dreaded the parking lot and crowded aisles.  To my surprise I easily found a parking place, and again was out of the store in less than half the time I expected.  The entire day felt as if I were being carried by a gentle wind that prepared my way, allowing me to easily accomplish my tasks.  The lesson in trust that day?  When God’s leading seems counterintuitive, I can trust His intentions for me.  Reading the Bible I see that God regularly works in ways that seem counterintuitive.  This helps me see that I am in good company and makes me thankful to be His child.

More recently as I spend time in meditation, I notice some “Why?” questions resurfacing.  These questions have been kept mostly to myself because when I have verbalized them, the answers I received only brought up more questions, stirring doubts about God’s love and goodness.  Consequently, these questions seemed too scary, too disrespectful, and too big to deal with.  Feeling much like a child who has been given answers by adults who were sure their answers were sufficient, I’ve believed the discussion was closed and the questions needed to be ignored.

The questions are resurfacing now, and they don’t seem so scary.  I am aware that I may not find different answers than the ones I’ve been given.  However, as I listen for the One I’m learning to trust, the One who’s voice is never condemning and who’s nature is love, I  have hope that the answers I receive will be enough for me.

I look forward to the continued journey and to time spent with the One I can trust.

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